Jeffrey Dahmer’s Night Before Christmas

Twas the night before Christmas
And in Milwaukee, Wisconsin
Not a creature was stirring,
So quiet you could hear a pin.

All the stockings had been hung with care,
In the Oxford apartments St. Nick would be there.
But there was one man who had not gone to bed,
Visions of dismemberment danced in his head.

Jeffrey was his name in case you were asking,
He was the tenant in apartment 213.
He had just gotten up for a midnight snack,
“Who should I eat, Simon or Jack?”

When out on the sidewalk he heard a big racket,
“What was that? I’ll go get my jacket.”
He ran out the hallway and flew down the stairs,
The whole time wondering who could be there.

Once he got out, an awful thought crept into his head.
Out on the street he was filled with such dread.
“Oh no,” he thought, “Could it really be
That the cops have found out and are coming to get me?”

When what to his wondering eyes should appear,
But a festive red sleigh drawing rapidly near.
“Now Dasher, now Dancer, now Prancer and Vixen!
On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen!”

“Thank God,” thought Jeff with a sigh of relief.
“It’s only St. Nick with presents, good grief!
For a moment there I thought I’d been busted.
Luckily Santa’s a man to be trusted.”

Now that I know what the commotion’s about,
I’ll go back inside to my apartment right now.
It’s getting so chilly, I’m beginning to quiver.
Finally I can finish eating my dead boyfriend’s liver.

Jeff opened the door and what did he see?
Santa stood there, so silent was he.
Next to him sat a placid old elf,
Santa didn’t seem his usual self.

He had a fur hat, and mistletoe, and holly,
But for some reason St. Nick didn’t seem very jolly.
Instead of laughing, he just shook his head
And with a great heavy sigh, he said:

“Jeffrey Dahmer, you’ve been a very bad boy.
I’m afraid you don’t deserve any Yuletide joy.
You butchered all those guys and put them into stew,
So here’s a huge lump of coal just for you.”

“All year I keep track of who’s naughty and nice
And you, Mr. Dahmer, are so full of vice.
Hearts in the freezer and heads in the fridge,
You have no compassion, not the tiniest smidge.”

After those words Santa hopped in his sleigh,
And ordered his reindeer to fly quickly away.
“Merry Christmas to all, I wish you well!
Except Jeffrey Dahmer, I’ll see him in hell!”